I am a Sweetie :) 山P一生応援

Alright, it has been a long long time since I have updated this blog. I probably lost the habit of blogging, if not the content of my "blog" is probably not appropriate for uploading.

Anyway, it has been a while and I think I missed the contents of this blog. Then today, I realised some hidden emotions that are not healthy and I needed someone to clear it out for me. I had someone in my mind but unfortunately she did not reply me as of now, so I thought coming to this blog would be a good idea too, at least for me to pen down my thoughts.

I think it is better that I note down the points before I forget them, but I don't think I have that many things to address on either:

- My emotions?
- Pi's new drama with Satomi

There you go, not more than 2 points and my main purpose was the first anyway.

So, on 7 Oct 2011 Pi announced that he would leave NEWS to pursue his solo career. That was a hard time for me as I totally supported the 6-nin NEWS then. Because of that, he was labelled with many many bad comments that I don't want to recall now, not that I can anyway.

After which, he announced his EROP solo con during 2012 and I attended it. It happened that NEWS comeback con was also held during that period, so I had the chance to cover both Pi and NEWS concerts. I also met up with some friends during that tour and I had a chat with this one friend, about Pi and NEWS. She is a Massu fan, and with this I think I will be able to recall who she is. Well, even without that clue, till today, I managed to remember that conversation we had anyway.

So I was told that, according to a very accurate inside news, Pi had the intention to leave NEWS as early as early 2011. That was when he had just started his solo asia tour con. Not to mention that "Fighting Man" was only released 3rd Nov 2010, so it hadn't been that long. According to that information, NEWS was supposed to have a new single release during that period, but Pi rejected the recording. From what I understood, even Ryo tried to persuade Pi to join the recording, and they even scheduled it such that it fit his asia tour. However, Pi did not want to record and he finally announced to his ex-members that he wanted to quit NEWS.

Then here comes the details from kei-chan and all, about how he went to the places hit by the tsunami during march 11 and how he saw fans of NEWS carrying their singles with them to flee and how sad he felt cuz he could not tell them the truth that Pi wanted to quit NEWS. So it tallied, I will say.

Then this friend continued, about how irresponsible Pi was, that he could have left even earlier when NEWS had just come back from hiatus and not when NEWS was finally gaining popularity and all. Pi even wrote a letter to himself during EROP con, and my friend read it too. Therefore she said Pi should have left during 2009 and all. Anyway, all I remembered was that she had a very very bad impression of Pi, and that if I had not stayed as NEWS fan she would probably not keep in touch with me? Or maybe it was along the line like how she felt I was sincere/loyal cuz I stayed with NEWS even though Pi has left. Either way, she disapproves of Pi. She said she used to watch Pi dramas when Pi was in NEWS, now that Pi has left NEWS, she is not going to watch his drama or support him anymore. Not that she had done so in the past I think.

Anyway, jumping to recent, during Feb or Mar of this year, I had a dinner gathering with a group of NEWS fans including her. I totally forgot why I chose to wear that "YOU" necklace but I just felt like it. Then suddenly one of them spotted my necklace and they chatted about it a bit. I thought I saw her cringed on hearing "Yamapi". During that short conversation, it was obvious (to me) that she was not interested and might even be annoyed. Maybe I was being too sensitive and she might be all ok with that. She probably just didn't have any comments but to be frank when the topic was on my necklace I was so alert and I totally checked out her reactions and responses. And I totally tried to stop the whole topic and wished they didn't mention about Pi at all.

There is also another friend, from eighter fandom, that had mentioned that she doesn't like Yamapi, but since jr times I guess.

It was all long-winded above and finally I am about to touch on the main topic. That is, I don't think I am proud to be a Pi fan at all. Or rather, I don't have the courage to declare myself as a Pi fan openly because I was afraid of bringing bad feelings and emotions to the people around me. I feel very very proud what Pi accomplished something amazing, or whenever I see positive comments about him. I still feel very very fortunate and glad that I am a fan of him. What I am trying to bring across now is that, in order not to bring bad feelings to others (not exactly giving a bad impression because it doesn't make me look bad at all, it is just that "pi" might bring bad feelings to people, but I hate it that it has become this way), I avoid Pi's topic in my conversations totally, especially around the people whom I think will get affected by me mentioning him.

So I totally stop talking about him, except with people whom I know are ok with his topics. Even so, I kept it to minimal. I don't even know why but I started to get wary and cautious that I felt that it was like a disgrace to be a Pi fan. I don't know what impression people have of him and I assumed that it all stayed at that period of him being called disloyal or ungrateful or whatsoever.

When I thought that I had moved on, I probably have not. And I only realised it now.

There were times where I thought I was spamming people with Pi's news that I didn't dare to retweet anything I saw.

So, basically, I may have stopped crying on 7 Oct now but deep inside I am still holding on to the past. About the massu fan I mentioned above, I happened to see a chat between her and another NEWS fan and they were discussing about Algernon. I had a shock because all along I had the mindset that she didn't like Pi and she would never ever watch anything with Pi. Probably she still is, but I could understand from that chat that she did feel the change in Pi, or the improvement. She probably saw his efforts. Not that she can be approved of Pi now, but definitely her opinion of Pi has changed a little, in a good way.

Then there were times during a gathering, that someone will bring up Pi's new drama/movie and they even discussed about it a bit. I even heard people telling me they like Pi. Of course their main is still other groups.

A few days ago, news of Pi's new drama was announced. The upcoming autumn season's getsu9 will be starred by him and Satomi. a week ago I was reading cheese and when they wrote "the male lead is him?!" and I thought it will never be Pi, since he had a movie news release anyway. So when the news was announced, I was happily forwarding the weibo. Other than putting some random comments in the group chat with pi fans, and messaging Tomo san, I was practically being happy and excited all alone on weibo and twitter.

Then the eighter fan suddenly asked on this group chat we shared with some other NEWS fan and I was shocked. Firstly she mentioned she doesn't like Pi. That's all. Anyway I was shocked. In the end she just wanted some confirmation cuz she didn't have enough data for her to search online for more details. I was very glad but instead of going the fangirling mode and talk about Pi I chose to divert the direction to Satomi and it was quite successful. Basically, this is what I have always been doing. Avoid Pi topics and try to divert and all. Even when people ask whose fan I am I will get very reluctant to reveal that I am a Yamapi fan. I can be very frank with people outside of fandom. But when I am with people inside the fandom, somehow I don't know how to act as a Pi fan.

I can't get all proud and say I am a fan of Pi as if he is some erai hito and I am acting as if Pi was a waruikoto shita hito. But how long do I want to stay apologetic?? Not everyone forgives and forgets but I think it is time for me to officially move on. I think it is ok to not talk about him if no one is interested about him. But if I'm getting all cautious to avoid topics on him then that is not healthy anymore. I don't wan to make Pi an idol whom I can't be proud of. He is and there are so many accomplishments that he had attained till now. Pi is great, I am the one who is making him look like a sinner, with my attitude.

I have finally realised that it is give and take. Of course I am not going to start blabbering about Pi to everyone but I think I should just let nature take its course and just talk about Pi whenever I feel like it. If there are people who really can't take it, they will let me know and then I can understand till which degree can I talk about.

Basically, be proud.

And today, I think I just had a very short but enjoyable conversation with some eighters. The topic was on Pi (I think I am so grateful to this kt/arashi fan seriously) then I talked about his drama abit. I was saying how it was a little explicit but Satomi had had it with Jun in Shitsuren choco-something. Then I asked to confirm that there was a bathtub scene in Shitsuren cuz in 5-9 there is going to be a bathtub scene too. Then suddenly one turned over and said Pi's moobs are big and another continued what if it's bigger than Satomi's. Then I said it'll be gyaku, satomi grabbing pi's moobs. Then it went on to b-cup d-cup and hoso macho and how hoso macho is chuan yi xian shou tuo yi you rou. Or something like that I might have forgotten already.

I think Pi has always been an idol I am proud of. Now I need to be a fan that he can be proud of too.

今、胸張って言えるよ。
山Pのファンです。
Sweetieです。